Dirt

In case you were worried, I did get a "female portable urinating device" for my birthday. 

I'm not going to put it in the InstantPot category (things I think I want and never use), but I must confess it isn't as obvious or as easy as I imagined. I need a little more practice before I take it out in public.

My highlight so far was strapping it to my head after I opened it and making all kinds of inappropriate jokes. I wonder sometimes what my children will remember about their childhood.

A really big book from Sophie

One of my favorite birthday rituals at our place, besides amazing cakes, is when we go around the table and talk about how the birthday person has blessed us. It still makes me smile to replay the comments of "you fill our lives with laughter and love" and "you help us make memorable stories." It's a beautiful ritual and I cherish it because I can get wrapped up in all my crabby moments, regrets, and mistakes. 

I do think it's important to be self-aware and receive criticism. Theater taught me long ago that we need healthy criticism to grow as people. 

But there is an equal gift in learning how to receive affirmations. It's enough to smile and treasure compliments without trying to diminish or dismiss them. 

Humility is not belittling one's own worth, but recognizing what grounds you. Humility comes from the root "humus" - the ground, the dirt. 

There are so many images in the church around dirt. 

-God playing in the dirt creating humanity and breathing life into creation. 

-Ash Wednesday with the ashes placed on foreheads reminding ourselves we are dust and to dust we shall return. 

-Gravesides where a handful of dirt is thrown in and the words, "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to almighty God our sister and we commit her body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

Humility is not about insulting yourself or questioning your worth; it's about recognizing the fleeting gift of life, your lack of control over so much of it, and the freedom of being loved and loving well. 

Pride is thinking you are or should be in charge; humility is releasing the control and living with the trust that love is eternal. 

So, the next time someone says you look good with a female portable urinating device strapped to you head, you simply smile and say thank you.

Alaska

My favorite part of serving as a chaplain in the Legislature is getting to park in the fire escape where there are large signs saying, "NO PARKING." I did get booted once when I drove Rusty, the little truck aptly named, but I love that I'm following directions and breaking rules all at one time. Life is such a paradox.

I also have a soft spot in my heart for politicians. It is not an easy vocation and I respect the work they are called to do. I'm trying not to label people as idiots no matter how destructive I think their arrogance and narrow minded agendas are. Name calling is not helpful, but praying is, so that's what I try to do.

Prayer humanizes and connects; it helps us recognize our limits and release some control.

Alaska is feeling a little chaotic so I leaned heavily on other people's words for prayers this year. The pressure is particularly high and I'm pretty sure they are refusing to heat the House chambers until they organize.

It's a privilege to live in this state that often takes my breath away and so I'm thankful for the opportunity to invite God's love and grace into our state's discernment process.

Wednesday's prayer:

I offer the following prayer of reconciliation based on the Celtic Book of Prayer

Lord, 

let our memory 

provide no shelter

for grievance against each other

Lord, 

let our heart

provide no harbor

of rancor for each other

Lord,

let our tongue

be no accomplice

in the judgment of each other

Let us be ambassadors of reconciliation, seeking a way of integrity and justice together. And if we cannot work together, then at least give us humor and goodwill towards one another.

And Friday's prayer:

Today, 141 years ago, Martin Buber, one of the great Jewish thinkers was born so I offer his poem as part of our prayer.

 We cannot avoid

Using power,
Cannot escape the compulsion
To afflict the world,

So let us, cautious in diction

And mighty in contradiction,

Love powerfully.

-Martin Buber (1926)

Open our hearts to love not as a fuzzy feeling, but as a commitment to defend the humanity in ourselves and others

Open our eyes to see the gifts in others as well as the blind spots in ourselves

Open our hands so we don’t cling tightly to power and control but reach out for help and guidance

Help us to love powerfully. To use our influence in this world so all creation might live in Your fullness.

Nihilism

Nihilism frightens me more than the prospect of falling off the ice cliff today that I crossed on my hands and knees. That was pretty.

I'm not anxious about atheism. I do find crusading atheism as annoying as any crusading belief, especially when there is so much certainty. Humility and mystery are helpful when trying to imagine the complexity of existence and meaning.

I've had some lovely conversations talking about what gods we don't believe in and what stories give coherence and meaning to our lives. I'm not in charge of saving people, just loving them.

I'm personally invested in the story of Jesus who healed, loved, forgave and fed; he died and left the tomb empty so we may trust love is not defeated even in death. There are nuances, but that's the basic story of my faith and I concur with Dostoevsky when he wrote

 “If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth.”

Nihilism frightens me because I see more folks embracing this negation of value, meaning or truth in life. There is no coherent narrative so no truth or action is preferable to another; utter destruction tends to be the mode of operating since nothing matters. Everything is fake.

Albert Camus (1913-1960 existentialist writer who defined himself as not believing in God, but not an atheist) was terrified of nihilism and wrote, "Nihilism is not only despair and negation, but, above all, the desire to despair and to negate.” 

Keep your ears open for this creeping nihilism. I do find it is one of those places where I have to plant my feet squarely and say I do not agree. There is value, truth, and meaning in life and in love. I'm not overly worried if we disagree on how we define god, but I get anxious when all existence is negated as meaningless.

And these were my calming thoughts as I crawled across the ice. It could be worse. 

Book of Job

It's almost my birthday month and I will again ask my beloved husband for a Shewee (the ORIGINAL female urinating device). The dog made fun of me today after a long, cold hike when I tried to stand back up after squatting. Leg muscles don't always work like I want them to.

But, my husband knows me well and is aware that I'm slightly obnoxious. I would abuse the new found freedom of peeing while standing up and it would embarrass the family and possibly get me arrested.


So, he suggested a puppy. 

I immediately said something like, "hell no." We have lots of life in the next six months without a puppy in the mix.

I'm guessing in his mind a puppy might make me cry less when I think of my sweet companion Cassie having cancer. 

And it might, but I've observed grief enough to know that relationships are not replaceable and sometimes you have to live with a hole before you start a new relationship so you're not trying to shove a substitute into a black hole.

That's what pisses me off about the book of Job in the Bible. I don't mind the whole wagering by God and Satan over a man's life and faithfulness. I get that it's a wisdom book and these are theological wrestlings with why bad things happen to good people. 

The part that really bugs me about Job is the end:
And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he had prayed for his friends; and the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. . . After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children, and his children's children, four generations.And Job died, old and full of days.

Why would any wisdom writer think this makes everything okay? Job had every relationship wiped out and all of his children killed, but don't worry he gets twice as much back. 

If you've ever lost someone you love, then no matter how many loves you have after, there is always a catch in your throat. Once you have lost something you love, you know how vulnerable all life is and for every child of every generation, Job held his breath when a storm came through wondering if they would all be wiped out too. 

We don't replace relationships. We celebrate and grieve them, we keep carrying from them what we can and we take the risk to have new ones. 

Which is why for this birthday, I'm ready for a Shewee, but not a puppy.

   

Commands

I don't think I would swear if I weren't a pastor. 

Even though, I'd still be a nerd, and it's important for nerds to be able to swear proficiently so I probably would still do it.

Part of the reason is that I love saying "shit". 

I remember saying it when I was trying to fix my laundry hamper in the third grade and I fell in love with the word and its ability to relieve tension.

I swear as a pastor not just for the enjoyment, but so I can be human and proclaim grace not good manners. There is often an assumption when people find out I'm a pastor that I'm trying to be better than others or judging them, until I open my mouth. That instantly diffuses any sense that I'm sitting above in the judgment seat and often I get to be on the receiving end of judgment.

That's fine. I just don't want anyone to be tempted to make Jesus's life about not swearing.

The top commands in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke & John):

• Love Your Neighbor, God, Your Enemies (21 times)
• Behold/Pay Attention (144 times)
• Do Not Fear (34 times)
• Do Not Worry (12 times)
• Do Not Judge (19 times)
• Arise (16 times)
• Forgive (23 times)

There are probably more and counting is a little tricky so don't hold me to the science. Yes, Jesus talks about morality and purity, but nowhere as often as he talks about love, worry, fear, judgment, and forgiveness. 

The two closest commands are about divorce and adultery, which get mentioned about 7 times. 

I think it is helpful for the church to step back from our hot moral debates and imagine if we argued about worry and fear like we do sexuality stuff. 

Or discussed paying attention and staying awake for life (Jesus' top command) like we do female leadership. 

Just imagine if we condemned fear like we do swearing. 

But, here's the thing about Jesus' commands: They are not given to us so we feel like shit about ourselves; they are guides into an abundance and freedom of life we might miss otherwise. 

They are gifts that allow us to release control and trust God.

There's no question I could be a better person, let alone pastor. I do feel badly about having too many beers and swearing loudly enough bowling for the teens next to us to hear. But, I apologized and let the kid punch me in the arm. I think he also delivers our pizza so I'm sure I'll get a chance to apologize again. I make stupid choices and I'm not always the person I should and could be. 

Hence, why I trust God and not myself. And why I'm so good at not judging others because it's not my job as a fellow sinner. My call is to love, behold, arise and forgive. My call is not to fear, worry, or judge. I love following Jesus and don't worry I'll probably give up swearing for Lent.

Karma Chameleon or Buns of Steel (Too difficult to choose)

There are so many things I love about living in Juneau.

Who doesn't love Juneau's urinecicles?

Like today, where there was a foot of slush and hiking through it saved me the money I would have spent on a Buns of Steel video. That's fifteen dollars I saved and I got the bonus wet boots and tight calves. And the disturbing part is, I'm not being sarcastic.

I also love that we only have five or six radio stations. Again, I mean that sentiment. Too many choices makes me crazy. I used to not listen to the radio, but the electric car has a buzz so I solve that problem in the way I solve all vehicle issues, I turn up the radio.

And the amazing thing about Juneau's music choices is I can hear Karma Chameleon, I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, and the entire Sports album by Huey Lewis and the News not just once but often multiple times in a day. That saves me the shame of having these songs on my play list and I still get to sing along (except to Karma Chameleon where I mumble lots because I have no idea what they are saying.)

And I want to justify these somewhat questionable music tastes with the same justification I gave my kids when I made them watch Night Rider - I'm a product of my generation. This is the stuff we loved and I'm somewhat surprised when it comes off a little vapid under scrutiny.

But here's what I find really scandalous once I scrutinize it - the generation rationalization is pretty lame. 

1. I'm pretty sure not every Gen Xer loves Boy George
2. My age and generation is only one tiny part of who I am and what I like

There's been so much published about the different generations and how they perceive things and I'm not denying it, but it seems like another way to categorize and distance ourselves from each other. 

I was raised surrounded by old people, or at least people I thought were old, and I think that was one of the biggest gifts the church gave me. I learned to love people from another time and perspective as individuals and be loved by them. I got to glean wisdom and stories from the likes of Alice Katterhenrich who recently died to Mrs. White who died eons ago to Rosie and Gail who've prayed me through a good chunk of my life.

I value those relationships across generations and am thankful no one told me what assumptions to make about them because they were born at a certain time. And I continue to value how the church is one of the few places left where generations gather and learn to love each other in our particularity instead of assuming every Gen Xer had a poster of Tom Selleck. 

Snowflakes and Stars

Catching snowflakes on my tongue makes me think of all the things I loved from childhood. 

Kind of like how watching reruns of the Dukes of Hazard still makes me blush a little remembering the crush I had on Tom Wopat. Please don't ever tell anyone that. 

And like how planetariums and stars fill me with childlike wonder and joy. We went to a planetarium in Portland and it was exactly like the one at COSI growing up. 

Exactly. 

Same dramatic music. Laser pointer. Bored college intern narrating the constellations. 

And I found it equally as thrilling. I loved planetariums so much growing up that my folks bought me a small one for my room and even though I was terrified of the dark, I would brave turning out the lights to stare at the stars. 

We don't see stars that often in Southeast Alaska because cloud cover is a regular phenomenon, but Thursday night when I stayed at a cabin with a crew of Sr. High youth awake long after my bed time, the sky was breathtaking. The stars were brilliant, the Milky Way vivid, shooting stars streaked across the sky and the Aurora bounced behind the mountains. 

And I tried to remember all the constellations while listening to youth talk about black holes, infinity, space, time, and our place in it. 

I like naming the constellations because it feels like order, and I love the stories behind them and  I love that the artwork is similar to my skill level. A line is Canis Minor. That's about as well as I draw a dog, especially a small dog. 

But, I also love how tiny I feel. It's a gift to bask in the vastness of space and to have my responsibilities and life put into proper perspective. I'm a speck. Yay!

Yes, I'm responsible for tending the space around me, but I am not in charge of all time and space so relax. 
And catch snowflakes on your tongue. 
But not while you're walking. 
Running into a parked vehicle - another reminder of childhood.