Wonder Woman

The closest Kirt and I ever came to breaking up was playing football together at a church event when we were dating. He wouldn't throw the ball to me because I was a girl and might drop it. I got so mad, I stormed out and swore I'd never talk to him again.

Yay. We figured it out.

I hang out with men a lot in my life. And here's what keeps me sane: I think about my relationships with men kind of like interfaith dialogues. We recognize we come to the table with a wide range of perspectives and prejudices about the nature of the world and our role in it, so we give each other grace and space. We learn to listen, ask good questions, show respect and state clearly what we expect and need from the other.

In other words, men are weird so nothing can be assumed. I think I have some great friendships with guys and I'm thankful for them.

Where I struggle is with women. I have some amazing female friends and I'm incredibly thankful for them, but I find that these relationships take more awareness and work.

Relations between women are kind of like conversations between churches. There can be a weird undercurrent of distrust, tension, and competition. We are sometimes similar enough that the differences become more of a point of conflict and contest.

I don't know. I just know sometimes I feel an unease with women that I don't know how to dissipate.

A couple observations based on our recent stretch of sunny weather and Wonder Woman:

WEATHER: Whenever the weather is sunny in Juneau, I hear folks say things like, "We're going to use up all our pretty days and it will rain all summer." Now, I'm not an expert on weather and please don't ever try to explain it to me, but I'm pretty sure there is no weather god in charge of the nice day quota for Alaska. I'm almost positive there is no spreadsheet somewhere balancing how well we've behaved and how many nice days we deserve.

It does feel like there is a limit sometimes and it's hard not to feed into the sense of scarcity, but I know that's not how the world works.

I think the same thing can happen between women. We begin to think there are only so many slots available for woman of the year so if you succeed then that diminishes my chances. There's only so much awesomeness available for women so I need to belittle and critique the women around me so folks realize how fabulous I am. 

It's insane, but we fall into the trap time and again. 

I think I'm fabulous and a failure. It's my good Lutheran mix. When I do something well, I say out loud to myself, "Good job Tari." Hannah pointed out to me this is not normal. I told her it's my way of staying healthy. I'm trying hard not to look for praise and value from outside myself so when I do something well I acknowledge it and move on. I am also often willing to say out loud when I have a bad idea or mess something up. It's okay not to be fantastic at everything.

It keeps my competitive spirit in check.

I also try to remind the women around me how beautiful and strong they are. I'm amazed at what women do and I don't find it threatening to tell them how fabulous they are.

WONDER WOMAN: This brings me to Wonder Woman. We are having so much fun watching old episodes. (I am going to point out one fascinating observation about gender. Fred Meyers offers adult male superhero Underoos, but any Wonder Woman outfit looks like I should be standing on a street corner. Sometimes I just want Underoos for when I spin around in the living room with the kids.) 

My favorite Wonder Woman episodes are the oldest ones when she fights other women. In the midst of those fights, Wonder Woman always encourages the other women to stop fighting her. She reminds them they are not enemies and should not be used as tools for oppressing each other. 

That was an important message for the 70s as women started to emerge in non-traditional jobs and relations were not always friendly, but it continues to resonate today.

What makes Wonder Woman absolutely fabulous, besides the tiara, is not that she can do everything all on her own, but the phenomenal grace and space she gives the men and women around her. She is truly a character who is beautiful on the inside and out.

I still don't always know how to navigate my relationships with women or men, but I'm hearing that whole idea about grace and space. When I start to feel the unease, remember to listen, ask questions, speak clearly, and remind others what is lovely in them.