Ecstasy

I don't normally write two blogs in one week and it's not an especially quiet week, but this one bubbled up and I know myself enough to know I better say it because I probably need to hear it.

My confession:
I come closer to ecstasy through sex, poetry, and hikes (and gingersnaps dipped in coffee, sunsets on the beach, but not sex on the beach because that is just a nasty mess) than I do reading scripture or prayer. Worship is close at times, but not quite there. 

I feel somewhat guilty saying this as a pastor. I'm not really a spiritual climax kind of gal. The only way I make it through reading the Bible is to read Billy Collins' poetry at the same time. It's taken me forever to finish the book of Jeremiah and I've finished two poetry collections in the meantime.

But I read my Bible and say my prayers nearly every morning because I think life is about more than ecstasy and enjoyment. I ground my life in worship instead of filling my life only with sex, poetry, hikes and gingersnaps (even though I ate three dozen last week) because the very things that bring us joy can imprison us and leave us empty.

This idea has wandered around in my head, but it was Francis Spufford in Unapologetic who put words to it. He writes about the atheist bus in the UK that says, "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Spufford could care less about the denial of God; he'll be the first to admit that belief is not certainty. 

Spufford takes issue with the word "enjoy." He writes, "Enjoyment is great. But enjoyment is one emotion. The only things in the world that are designed to elicit enjoyment and only enjoyment are products, and your life is not a product" (p. 33). 

I do not enjoy reading scripture, but it is where I delve into the tedium of details, the messiness of family trees, the expectations for life then and often now, the bloody battles that leave me confused about God's role, the awkward reminders of my own brokenness, and God's amazing faithfulness through all of it. I pray so I can sit with my own and other's pain, needs, and joys without jealousy or the need to fix. Reading scripture and praying help me know the fullness of my own and other's humanity.

We cheat ourselves and others when we only surround ourselves with things that bring us comfort or entertainment. There are so many emotions we protect our heart from knowing because they are uncomfortable.

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and kids if you have them is the language to name what they are feeling. Nobody gets to judge you for what you feel. Getting the anger, confusion, fear, desire, anticipation, jealousy, and whatever else out on the table helps you regain perspective on yourself and a situation. 

Name 'em and claim 'em. That's my motto with emotions. Rarely do I let a feeling pass without pulling it out into the open and examining it. Sometimes it's shocking to imagine such an emotion comes from me and sometimes it makes me tend myself a little more carefully.

Nobody gets to judge our feelings, but when we pull them out in the open then we can figure out healthy ways to respond to them. Once I can identify a feeling, then I can start making "I need" statements. I'm feeling angry so I need someone else to unload the dishwasher. I'm feeling nervous so I need support and sweetness. I'm feeling frumpy and wrinkly so I need to be told how beautiful I am. 

I need the experiences that bring me great joy, but it's a horrific lie to idolize joy over all the emotions we are capable of feeling.