Fragile

I am sarcastic and ornery because I am so stinking sensitive. I've had to come up with some coping skills for feeling the world so deeply and in my mind these are better than drinking heavily or throwing myself into complete busyness. 

I've learned how to ration the pain I let in or else I live with an aching heart all the time. The best counter to pain is laughter so I find odd things humorous or make normal things funny. It's my secret to not melting down or weeping through life.

My mom used to ration how much sadness I was allowed. I could only read one Flowers in the Attic book a month so I wouldn't carry the weight of the siblings stuck in the attic through all teen encounters. It took me a couple of days to recover from reading one and I would mope and cry randomly. Not pleasant for anyone.

I'm thinking all of this because I've fallen in love. 

My sweet Ptari-dactyl curls up on my bosom and sleeps. She snuggles and matches my heartbeat and breathing. This has confirmed in my mind that I'm related to Gonzo: nobody knows what I really am but they suspect I'm an alien, my twisted sense of humor and now I'm in love with a chicken.

Who cuddles with a chicken? 

Here's the problem with loving a chicken: everything wants to kill them. She's still just a baby and safe in the house, but pretty soon the smell and size will make us kick them outside.

Then, there is a huge list of predators. We know having lost four chickens a couple of years ago. We're smarter now and will protect them better, but I know chickens do not have long life spans.

Why am I throwing my soul into a relationship I know won't last and will only cause me pain?

I have no idea, except I'm hoping the tedium of cleaning up after her will break me of it. 

That's the funny thing about love. We can commit to loving and tending others, and we know from the outset it will be work. I'm kind of a big supporter of arranged marriages. If you start out with the commitment and move into the emotion, then you don't get your soul crushed. 

Or, as often happens in life, we randomly and unexpectedly grow attached to another being for no particular reason and you are bound outside control or reason. Bound together knowing there will be hurt; gut wrenching hurt and probably a lot of clean up.

I know this is way over investment with a chicken, but I tend to over invest. When I love, it is deeply and completely. I fall in love with people all the time, but I can fool myself into thinking I'll have them around for a while. Heck, I fall in love with trees and I will weep if I see one of my favorites succumb to a storm. 

One of the few Miles Davis songs I like is, "I fall in love too easily." That's me. It makes my life raw and fragile, but it also fills me with joy and connection with life (except for rats-those are nasty). 

So if I am snarky or tease you, it's my little bit of shield that gives my heart some space to disconnect. It's a rich and lovely life, but I know what happens to chickens (like all living creatures) and I need to stop letting her sleep on me while I read. But she's so cute and cuddly, I'll probably just keep loving her.