Tiptoes

I wanted to be taller in the sixth grade so I started walking on my tiptoes. It took a long time for my parents to convince me that this was a bad idea, and my calves are still a little funky because of it.

I picture myself being much taller than I am. It's just recently that I've given up on jumping to try and touch the signs that hang down or anything that's hanging down for that matter. I have horrible depth perception and a grandiose idea of size so I've been shamed more than once. Now I tend to pee if I jump too much so that was also the motivation for stopping the shame.

I'm now the shortest person in my family and the slowest. It's finally time to give up any illusion of height and settle into my true being. There are some things I cannot wish or will my way into so I will stop imagining that I'm something I'm not.

It's hard to let go of the image we have of ourselves. Jim Harrison, a writer and poet from the U.P. once wrote:

The days are stacked against what we think we are.

Those are such poignant and powerful words to shatter our self deception. 

I remember when I was pregnant with Hannah and I imagined myself as the perfect L.L. Bean mom who had all the best accessories and would head out into the woods for great adventures. It was so hard to let go of the image I had of myself as a mom and live in the reality that we all were exhausted by the time we survived getting the snowsuit on, the diaper changed, getting the snowsuit on again, cleaning up spit up, missing nap meltdown, and finally forgetting my own coat. The grand adventures tended to be short and filled with some tears. I wasn't the model mom, but I kept plugging away at imperfection and now I am the slowest because my kids are good hikers. I want to tell couples with small children on the trail to keep at it. Yes, it is hell now and nothing like you imagined, but keep at it.

I am not the person I sometimes want to think I am, but I'm learning how to be the person I am created to be.