Wonky

I'm doing okay. I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of this, especially since I caught myself leaning over the toilet with scissors in my hand. I was thinking of cutting my hair like I cut my toenails and suddenly a little voice said, "Tari, is this a good idea?" I realized I am not a master with scissors under the best circumstances and this was not going to turn out well so I convinced myself to set the scissors down and take up the clippers instead. 

And groom the dog.

And ask my husband to cut my hair, which went surprisingly well. It got me started thinking about what's making me wonky and what's keeping me stable.

What makes me wonky:

1. Electronic church: we will keep doing it until we can safely gather, but I don't remember all the things I need on a Sunday without any technology so I'm bumbling regularly. I'm embarrassed that we forgot to turn on the right microphone this Sunday and a checklist would probably be helpful, but it feels like it all changes every day. I remember once doing a day camp at a church around Toledo that had transitioned from suburban to inner-city. The pastor gave us a deer in the headlight look and said, "I don't know how to do ministry anymore." I'm having some of those moments.

2. Texting and emojis: I find myself communicating with texting more and it is not my favorite. Emojis exhaust me. I spend way too long figuring out what color of heart to send and then swear in frustration and send an eggplant instead. Eggplants say everything that needs to be said. 

3. Not hugging: I stink at communicating with emojis but I make it up with hugs. It's hard not to hug people. I had a dream that someone came in to my office asking for a hug and I didn't know what to do. 

4. Feeling anxious about getting sick, or worse, getting other people sick: The weight of living responsibly in community is heavy. Trying to make right choices feels overwhelming and the judgment for whatever choice is made feels hostile. And wearing my mask fogs up my glasses.

What keeps me grounded:

1. Walking the labyrinth: I have appreciated this prayer tool in the sanctuary greatly during this time. All the twists and turns that lead unexpectedly to the center keep me trusting life will do that also. We're thinking of doing one in the parking lot too!

2. Seeing people I love at worship: Zoom is exhausting, but there are those wonderful moments where we get to see everyone and it sounds like the chatter of a Sunday morning.

3. Teaching my kids how to cook and eating together at normal times:  All my kids are taking turns cooking; Elijah is making stuffed shells tonight. And we are eating together before 8 pm.  Normally, during school, we all are going in lots of different directions so dinner is much later. I am enjoying dinner together with games or a movie following. 
Sophie just made ginger cookies too so all is well. 

4. Hiking: I'm thankful to live in a place with lots of space to explore. The trails have gotten a bit busy so I'm branching out to kayaking. 

Please keep checking in with yourself to make sure you are okay. If you're drinking too much, getting angry with people around you, or bending over a toilet about to cut your hair then you might want to make a list of what keeps you stable.