Dingleberry

I had to pull out the snowshoes today. It's been a long time, but it was that kind of day where skiing or post holing did not look ideal. There are times I look at places that get to hibernate on snow days with envy. We don't believe in snow days. Once you clear away the two foot berm at the end of your driveway, the world is yours to conquer.

So Cassie and I are doing our Monday hike when I start thinking about dingleberries*. It's impossible to avoid thinking about dingleberries when she has huge snow balls hanging from her butt hair. It's really distracting, but if she walks behind me then she steps on my snowshoes and I end up face planting. After three times, I made her go first.

And thinking about dingleberries made me think about our recent church council retreat. They aren't dingleberries, but one of the Apples to Apples cards had that word so we spent some time talking and laughing. My grandma used to call me dingleberry as a pet name; I'm not quite sure she knew the double meaning. Or maybe she did.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that talking about butt hair does not appear appropriate at council retreats, but the laughter and later the openness to truly dig into sensitive discussions seemed holy.

Here's my struggle in the current tension of hateful rhetoric and extreme correctness: 
How do we make safe places that aren't sterile places?

How do we make places where we don't sanitize and censor everything to the point that folks are afraid to speak while at the same time making a space where folks don't need to feel anxious that they will be emotionally or physically devalued?

We've done a crappy job protecting vulnerable folks in the church so it is probably a good idea to err on the side of sensitivity for a while, but I also know avoiding difficult conversations or laughter is not edifying for anyone.

Family systems' theory tells us that we create intimacy through play and conflict.  You need those vulnerable encounters of disagreement and delight. Sterilizing our encounters doesn't make our relationships safer, it makes them null and shallow. We never get to be intimate when we are engulfed with protective gear.

I don't know the answer, I think it has something to do with trusting each other, putting systems into place so if someone doesn't feel safe they can speak up, and respecting criticism when you've hurt someone.

I'm pretty sure safe places don't involve comparing each other to Hitler or making death threats. Those seem like obvious red flags that you are not in a safe place, but I'm amazed how many Facebook threads end there.

We also need to be aware of those more subtle moments when we feel defensive or controlling. Whenever we try to justify ourselves or control others that leans more towards sterility than safety. 

If you feel the need to expunge everything that disagrees with you or keep all conversations innocuous, then don't expect life to thrive in that sterile environment. 

You can't be sensitive to all people at all times (or at least I can't), but you can be in healthy and safe relationships where you trust, hold each other accountable, confess and forgive. That's a more faithful witness than avoiding discussion of dingleberries.


*According to Webster Dictionary a dingleberry is "a particle of fecal matter attached to the anal hair of an animal."