Right Field

I peed my pants once in right field. 
It was sixth grade too. 
At camp. 
First night.

Valley Vista Softball Camp where I was going to hone my skills as a budding athlete. I know this is hard to believe, but I was and still am shy. It takes a lot of energy for me to engage people so I've learned to practice and compensate on a regular basis. 

At Valley Vista, I was a shy kid with bad depth perception and a short attention span. Right field was perfect. Until I had to pee and didn't want to interrupt and waited way too long.

It was embarrassing but no one shamed me and I did make some good friends. Some older girls took me under their wing and were incredibly kind. 

It was the final game that shamed me. There I was in right field, singing, counting blades of grass, thinking about pizza when a really large girl got up to bat and pointed her bat at me. That got my attention. 

I was ready, the ball went into the air, flying right to me, I was running back, tracking it and missing it be a million miles. She got a home run. I thought it would be like the movies where it landed in my glove, but no dice. 

I think I got a "most improved" trophy. So for all those who don't think losers should get trophies, I'm sticking my tongue out at you.

It's fine. It was all a good learning experience, but I did finally have to give up softball as an adult. One, because we are really busy and I don't have that much fun. Two, I got horrible stomachaches and butterflies. It's like shame just crept right back in and pointed her bat at me one more time. 

I think it's relatively normal, but what I do have to watch is letting my shame affect my kids' decisions. Their lives do not have to be shaped by my fears, shame, or regrets. I think that's one of the hardest things as a parent. They do not need to compensate or be trapped in my insecurities. 

Speaking of insecurity, I'm also going to give up wearing heels again. For a while, I was trying to remain taller than Sophia but now I'm giving up. I think we're all secure in the love we have for each other and can cease with the insecurities and shame anyway.