Toothbrush

Do not be alarmed if you see my toothbrush. 

There is a lot of red permanent marker on it saying things like, “MOM” and “Use and suffer”. I’m not a heartless person, but there are few things I hate more than a wet toothbrush when I am about ready to use it. Buying toothbrushes at Costco is great except nobody in our house can remember what color they are. I used to put mine in a special place, but that didn’t help so now I make threats. IT IS MY TOOTHBRUSH!

The best story I ever heard about wet toothbrushes has nothing to do with this article, but makes me laugh every time I think about it. A couple was newly married and the husband discovered his toothbrush was wet and accused his wife of using it. She told him with a clear conscience she didn’t use it, but it might have dropped in the toilet.

Okay. Back on to the toothbrush with my name and idle threats on it. I feel a wee bit guilty about my possessiveness. Sharing is caring as my mom would always say. But there are boundaries. There are things essential to our being that should not be shared or compromised.

Pastors normally stink at healthy boundaries. Along with many folks in our culture, we have a sense that we should give and give. Generosity is incredibly important and selfishness is destructive, but giving without healthy boundaries stunts the growth of the people around us. It can also lead to bitterness and emptiness in ourselves.

I bring this up because I had an interesting conversation with a man who decided to sleep in the church. I told him he was not welcome to do that. There are too many safety and boundary issues. He told me that Jesus would let him stay there. 

Here is a challenge for me as a Christian, a woman, and a pastor. People play the Jesus card and this is when keeping healthy boundaries get hard. I follow a guy who died on the cross out of love for the world so it seems like I as a Christian leader should be willing to lay down and let people walk all over me.

Hmmm. The problem is, I don’t feel close to loving people when I do that. I become resentful and angry towards them. And I do feel like I cheat them out of growing experiences by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves (that’s the basic definition of enabling). Or I create dangerous situations where the chances of someone getting hurt far exceeds the chances of successful transformation.

Jesus had boundaries. He carved out time to be by himself and pray, he called people on their destructive patterns, he grieved at losses in his life, and he stood up for himself and his integrity. His life given on the cross was not a lack of boundaries, but a self that was so secure and defined it didn’t need to meet violence with violence. The cross is his unwillingness to play the power games of the empire.

Do I think Jesus would have shared his toothbrush? No, because they didn’t have toothbrushes in first century Palestine. Do I think Jesus would have let the man stay? I don’t know. I’m not trying to be Jesus, but follow his way in this world. I also know that our church community does not have the gifts or boundaries in place for overnight guests who let themselves into our space uninvited. Do I think Jesus would have been in relationship with people in transition, the poor, and hungry? Yes I do. And we do that. Not always well, but aware that we are called to be in relationships without fixing or giving everything away people want and still maintaining the core of who we are.

I do know I’m not sharing my toothbrush, everything else is a wrestling match trying to stay faithful to the call to love and healthy boundaries.