Slightly Evil

Sunny days in May are slightly evil.

I might just be speaking for myself, but I struggle with these brilliant, perfect days of summer filled with final exams, concerts, and work. Whose idea was it to have so much work to do in May? We run from one activity to another in May more than any month and all I want to do is hike, camp, and sip cold beverages on my porch with a nice fire.

Evil may seem harsh. But sunny days in May remind me of a line from some mystery book that wasn't very good and I've forgotten the title but I remember this line, "People thought he was evil because he filled them with impossible desires."

A sunny day in a busy May fills me with impossible desires. Desire isn't evil. Longing for things or relationships motivates us to bathe regularly and get up off the couch, but desiring something we cannot have pulls us apart.

Impossible desires can make us nearly crazy or for me really crabby. Impossible desires move us into coveting, obsessions, and addictions. Longing for that which cannot be ours or that which destroys us is evil in that it pulls us away from the life happening right now.

I love the etymology for coveting. It comes from cupidity, which is related to the Sanskrit for bubbles up or agitated. That's me these past couple of days. I get myself so wound up with all the yard work that needs done, the fun I want to have, the kids getting a year supply of Vitamin D and I end up ruining it for everyone, myself included.

A sunny day sets the bar too high; it stirs in me this need to suck all I can out of the day, and a bitterness at anything or anyone who gets in the way. I know I'm not alone. People assume everyone is happier in Juneau when the sun is out, but if you look at folks in the store or around town after a couple sunny days, they have locked their jaws. People tend to be much more agitated and they totally forget how to drive, but I'm not sure that's related.

I'm trying to talk myself out of impossible desires. I cannot shirk all responsibility and run to the beach. I try to face this longing with prayer and patience. I'm normally so disciplined; it's humbling for me to get so agitated. I won't lie and say I'm succeeding. I'm lucky enough to live in a rainforest so I know I'll relax soon enough and I can catch up on house work and being thoughtful to the folks around me.

I don't say this lightly, but this agitated longing has made me admire those who live with addictions even more. I think people who live with those destructive desires and instead manage to find life in pursuing attainable joys are the bravest people I know.

Oh my, that's long and random. See, sunny days scatter my mind and heart because I want to be in so many places. So I'll give myself one of my standard pep talks, "Shut up Tari and just be where you are and do what needs to be done."