Snow

This is as light as it got today

I drove out towards the end of the road today hoping to find a respite from the rain. Sometimes if you keep heading Northish the clouds clear and the sun pops out, but not normally. Sometimes it's just cathartic to remember the end of the road exists. It's a good reminder that you can't drive your way out of responsibilities and messes.

Margaret Atwood once wrote about the high suicide rate in Vancouver, which I think would speak for Alaska as well. She said something about people keep moving West thinking they can escape their past and start fresh until they reach the coast and realize they are still stuck with themselves. That's how I remember it, but I'm too lazy to find the quote and I think it rings true with the experience in the frontier.

It's a lot like snow. Not that we would know since all of ours is gone now. I'm bitter and slightly grumpy. I love snow and I like to think of it as an image for grace. It floats down and covers all the ugly with pure beauty.

Except that's a shitty image for grace and one that the church clings to way too often. Cover up the shit, make it look pure, and we'll all be happy.

Then it melts, the rain washes it away and you're left with all the piles of dog shit and broken toys left in the yard. This year, we had the added bonus of our pumpkins. The first snow caught us by the surprise so once it was all gone, we had to scrape the rotting pumpkins off the porch.

I want grace to be like the pure and beautiful snow, but it's much more like the rain. It washes away the veneer and let's us face our shit with a garbage bag in hand. You can leave it, but it's way less fun to play in when it's all over your shoes, and you're sliding around, and then you're tracking it through the house.

Grace gives us the confidence that we matter and we are loved even if our backyard looks like a disaster zone. We don't have to hide it under snow, but can get to work cleaning it up. It's not pretty, but it's easier than moving just because your yard is full of feces.

I give thanks for the snow and for drives out to the end of the road where we get a bit of respite from the hard work of being human. I'm not opposed to denial and escaping reality. Sometimes you need a break from hard truths.  I just know sooner or later, reality returns and the longer you wait, the more piles of shit you have to clean up.