Give Up

I've given up trying to write my name in the snow.

I just don't have the leg, bladder, or balance control needed to pull it off. Today I admitted defeat after getting pee all over my boots and falling on my ass in the snow. 

That's cold.

As soon as I told myself to give up, I started thinking what an odd phrase "giving up" is. It sounds like surrendering to God. 

"Giving up" made me think of prayer rising like incense. I lift up all those things beyond my control that break my heart but I can't fix or save so I have to entrust them to a "higher power." 

There are things I need to give up. I try to play god and it doesn't work out well for anyone.

But I don't think peeing my name in the snow is one of those things.

It's more like something I need to put down.

There's probably a whole list of stuff I need to put down too.  

• Obsessions that aren't worthy of my time let alone God's. 
• Hurts that I drag along for a whole myriad of reasons, none of which are overly healthy. 
• Defeats, regrets and failings that I should set down in the snow and move on. 

I preach this sermon to myself on a regular basis and then promptly ignore it. My tenacity is one of my redeeming qualities and my fatal flaw. Once I latch onto something, it is nearly impossible for me to let go. 

I'm not a bitter person. I don't hang onto grudges, but I will continue trying to fix something long after it should have been laid to rest.

So, now that my boots are dry and my ass is warm, I'm blaming my bibs, the dog, the depth of the snow for my failure and I'm thinking about buying a Shewee. One more try and then I'll put it down.