Awkward

Sometimes I don’t know what to say; not because the situation is overwhelming and I can’t think of anything appropriate to say. I can actually ride those moments out pretty well, often saying inappropriate things. 

I don’t know what to say when I’m at a barbecue and women are talking about somewhat normal things. I’m slightly (read tremendously) awkward in such situations. I share too much or glaze over because such conversation misses me. 

Same thing happens at the back door at the end of church. I wish there was a script for shaking hands after church because I run out of small talk quickly. The other week I started making weird word associations and saying things like, “unicorns, ponies, rainbows, miniature cows” as folks exited church. It cemented in the congregation’s mind that I’m not normal and entertained me more than commenting on the weather. 

Bus stop when I was eight.
Check out the fabulous Muppet lunchbox.

I think my social awkwardness goes back to getting out of the bathtub when I was eight. This is a different naked story than when I got a spanking and my mother discovered me in the bathroom with my bare butt in the sink. She asked me what I was doing and like any Looney Tune’s fan I said, “My biscuits are burning.”

No, this is a different weird. I remember my mom walking into the bathroom when I was eight and I realized I was naked. Eight is right around that age when we lose our garden glory (referring to the naked in Eden stuff). This is my first vivid memory of feeling embarrassed and exposed. 

So, I used words like I often do to cover my vulnerability. I’ll never forget looking at my mom washing her hands in the sink and saying, “You always want to dry your face before your butt.” 

The moment demanded such great profundity. 

To this day when a situation makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, when I really have no idea what to say, I say to myself, “You always want to dry your face before your butt.” Maybe sometimes I say it out loud, but it makes me laugh and brings a situation back into perspective. Sometimes it’s okay to just feel awkward and not say anything. Great profundity is rarely great or profound.

I’m not good at pretending to be normal, but it probably wouldn’t hurt for me to be quiet more and “profound” less.