Don't say this . . .

I've decided on two of the top things that I don't want to hear people say about me as I age and die. These are besides the obvious ones regarding sagging body parts.

1. She was always so nice.
2. She would do anything for anyone.

I don't think I'm in danger of either, but I do find these summaries of peoples' lives trite and unhealthy.

She was always so nice
Coming off of an overnighter with teenagers reminds me that nice is not always an appropriate response to a situation. I try to be clear about expectations without yelling. I don't always succeed (mainly with the yelling part). I do expect the people around me to be accountable for their lives and to hold me accountable. Sometimes that means asking awkward questions or confronting inappropriate behavior.

The root word for nice is traced back to "stupid or ignorant". Yet another reason to avoid being nice. I can be hard on people when I think they are selling themselves short in life. I asked Hannah after the overnighter if she ever pretended that I wasn't her mom. Her reply was, "No, but sometimes I pretend that I can't hear you." Fair enough. I don't imagine that I'm easy to live with, but I make no qualms about calling people to be alive
.


She would do anything for anyone
One of the most helpful things I ever heard about healthy boundaries came from Shane Claiborne discussing the community where he lived in inner city Detroit. People came to the door seeking help all the time and over the door was a sign, "If you can't open this door with joy, then it is best left closed."  My rule is that if I can't do something without feeling bitter, then it is best to leave it undone or ask someone else.

The word martyr means witness, but we have turned it into someone who would do anything for anyone until that becomes their total identity. I am all about relationships and sharing stories, experiences, and resources. I'm not sure God's vision for life is to give until we are consumed and grumpy. I do think God's vision is binding us together in relationship where there is giving and receiving.

There. Don't say those things about me even if you are tempted. I actually wouldn't mind the sagging jokes as much.